My leg kept me in Bed most of yesterday (Saturday) with BP up to ~4 and ~5's, rising slowly to ~7's  then back down again. No relief all day and consequently, I got nothing done.around the house. Fortunately, I was able to get some kitchen dishes done before my GAFF really dropped off.

I still get the feeling that my wife does not really understand what it is like to be under this kind of constant pain - she thinks that talking to me and getting me to "interact" will help ease the pain. Well, it doesn't. All it does is distract me from my constantly trying to relax and think soothing thoughts. I am almost constantly doing this - it is almost an unconscious act now. My Breathing exercises are the same, just a reflex now.

Today, Sunday, still no let-up on the BP pain. Sleeping was kinda OK during the night - BP ~3 to ~4, but I still woke up every hour or so, ended up getting up at 0730 as I was tired of laying in bed.

Had brekkie, really trying to force myself to help a bit around the house. Put cushions out on patio, opened up Garden Tent and lay in there for a while reading. Had to repair cat gate as Weasley got out 3 times. He's not happy now. Friggin' leg still hurting like hell - Burning pain working deep into my thigh muscle, feels like someone kicked the shit out of my thigh wearing soccer cleats. Just FYI, this pain also extends to my right buttocks and at times, to my groin area. Thankfully not too often, and thankfully, not today.

Late Lunch, sitting outside and just about finished main course when a Depression Jag hits, aobut ~8 or ~9. Started crying. Ms T starts telling me what to do after I told her I was having a Depression Episode. I simply cannot eat any more. The last thing I want or need is someone telling me what to do when all I want to do is pick up the table knife and slice my artery in my throat wide open! I tried to calmly let her know that I do not need that kind of talk right now, and would appreciate just "normal" conversation while I try to work thru this "double-ended" problem (leg-pain/Depression Jag). Then she starts getting on my case about my posture, how I tend to hang over the table, sometimes holding my head in my hand.

I don't do this on purpose - that is just the way my body reacts when I am in pain or really depressed - which in both cases, is a lot of the time. So I said to her "I don't see how my wanting to commit suicide has anything to do with my posture at this time!".

She gets royally pissed off at me - when I feel that I have not done anything wrong. She accuses me of lashing out at her. Duh! Really? Then don't poke a stick into the bee-hive! Jeezuz!

Here I am thinking about which artery in my throat will be easier to slash, perhaps using the skil-saw or Jig-saw, or even using the Dremel Tool with the cutting blade on it, revved up to 50,000 rpm. All within 5 meters of me. I think back to how I almost did a head-on with a Semi near Whitecourt way back in March, but veered off 100 meters short. Friggin' Chicken. All is so simple and so do-able. What the hell am I waiting for?

I end up getting up from the patio table, leaving my drink and salad sitting there to come into my office so that I could work on my breathing, be alone and try to work thru this jag without outside interference. I do not need further imputus to follow through on my suicidal thoughts!

But she wants to carry on about my posture at this time. Lot of fucking good this $170/hour Couples Therapy is doing us, eh?

For those who do not understand Depression Jags, it is like someone is injecting a drug into your vein and you can feel the cold gradually spreading through your body as the drug spreads out through your veins and capilleries. The Depression comes on the same way, washing over me in a slow wave that over-shadows every other thought, action and intent I may have at that time. The last thing I need is someone telling me to do something or react in a certain way.

I fucking KNOW what to do already. It's called my Breathing exercises, emptying my mind and trying to focus on my breathing, relaxation and so on while this episode strikes me. The EXACT same think I do during my Pain Attacks (BT's) - it is the ONLY way for me to "weather" these episodes.

I"ve had enough for today - I'm going out to the Garden Tent, to lie down with an e-book and try to let the world slip by me for another god-awful day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Fingers crossed.

I am a huge fan of T.E.D. - Ideas Worth Spreading - www.ted.com. This website is a fantastic source of interesting "Talks, Speeches, Validictorian and Scientific Lectures", mostly captured on Video for the Public to watch and learn.

Today, I watched as planetary scientist Joel Levine shows some intriguing -- and puzzling -- new discoveries about Mars: craters full of ice, traces of ancient oceans, and compelling hints at the presence, sometime in the past, of life. He makes the case for going back to Mars to find out more.

Watch his presentation below to be amazed at what he says about the planet Mars, something the New York Times said was a waste of time and money back in the 70's.

Even though I am not a US Taxpayer, I know that the Canadian Space Agency has our own scientists working in the US on this, and other projects, and therefore, am indirectly supporting these causes. I am in favour of learning more, expanding humanity's knowledge, with the hope that any new knowledge will be for the betterment of all mankind, no matter who discovers this knowledge.

That is just the way I see it.

Edwin

yesterday was a good day
As you well know,
And that is simply because
We tried to go slow.

Some things are better left unsaid
Hurtful, raw and with pain,
Adding to our daily burdon
And increasing our drain.

Almost Twenty Five years
That we've been together,
And only recently are we re-learning
That we really meant "Forever".

We now know our differences
Our shared joy and dispair,
Through trials and tribulations
Our hearts always under repair.

Some things we can work on
And some things we can't,
Some things we an rebuild
And some things we shant.

One thing that I have noticed
Throughout all these years,
That pain is always constant
When displayed with tears.

I do not fully understand
If there is a God above,
But I do know we have endured
Simply because of our Love.

Luv ya Pumuchel!

Link: http://www.edmontonsun.com/news/edmonton/2010/05/08/13880506.html

OK, just days after I wrote about Muslims and Islamic trends (non-violent), a news article and TV report caught my attention, futher adding fuel to my comments I had made about how our so-called "homogenous" Society is slowly being turned into anything BUT a Multi-Cultural and Christian-based society.

I said it once and I'll say it again, I am not a bigot or racist, but I do believe in equality and the "staus-quo". Anything that I perceive to tip this balance I feel is unfair and a threat to our Canadian way of life.

So here goes my latest viewpoint.

Last week, the City of Edmonton was "Proud" to announce that they had put up 13 street signs, bought and paid for by the local Sikh community ($3,500), to be mounted onto city light and traffic posts. These signs are to show directions to the local Temples (called "Gurdwaras").

OK, so, there are other signs in the city showing similar directions. But they are all in English. These signs are both in English AND Punjabi. The reason? Because apparently many of the immigrants that live in Edmonton cannot speak and/or read English, and complain that they do not understand how to get around.

Cry me a river.

As I stated in the past, immigrants should have to have a working knowledge of English BEFORE immigrating to Canada (except in Refugee cases, but then, they should immediately be put into compulsory French/English Language classes and write a test prior to any Canadian Citizenship being offered!)

Otherwise, these immigrants are NOT Canadian Citizens, and therefore should not need to worry about their personal concerns. If they don't like the situation, either learn English/French, get Citizenship, or go back to where they came from.

My wife is an Immigrant. She learned English and didn't insist that street signs be in German so that she could find the local Butchers Shop (as Germans are wont to) or whatever, and she even went to College to not only improve her English, but to get a degree in Fine Art!

In Edmonton, the local newspaper states that there are approximately 60,000 Sikh's living in the City. Edmonton also boasts a Ukrainian population of over 125,000. I don't remember seeing any Ukrainian Street Signs. Probably because Ukrainian Immigrants learned how to read/speak English, and if not, understood that they have no one to blame other than themselves for not understanding any signs around town.

Canada did not force them to come, and Canada should not have to change our core values, languages and signs just because immigrants cannot understand our official languages.

The only other exception to this rule is ChinaTown. Every Canadian major city has a ChinaTown. Why? Because the Chinese were essential and an important part of opening up Canada by acting as near "Slave Labour" when building the Railroads, highways, Bridges, Mountain Passes and so on. They have been here for over a hundred years, helping build our Canadian Culture, and are embedded within our Culture. So they have created an "Enclave" within each city to help maintain their Cultural Identity.

In Edmonton, ChinaTown is in a very defined location, and even though signs may be in Chinese, they are also in English, and are limited to ChinaTown, and are not outside, perhaps pointing to ChinaTown in Chinese. Once outside the boundries of ChinaTown, street signs are in English only. That I have no problem with, and understand the rationale behind this.

I just found a website, called "SikhChic.com" (duh!), which proudly proclaims that Punjabi will soon be the "International Language replacing English". Do I have a problem with the street signs that are mounted, look like and emulate the Official Edmonton Street Signs? Damned Right I do. The last thing I expect when I'm driving down a road in ANY Canadian town/city is a street sign in a language OTHER than English or French, our OFFICIAL Languages! Why muddy up all the signage with different languages. Sure, it is only one language, somewhat pretty in it's design, but this is just opening the doors for every other bloody language/culture to want to put up "Official" street signage in their mother-tongues. all over the bloody place. Soon, English will be lost in the maze of signs in every bloody conceivable language that I"m sure a majority of us do not understand. I forsee a Punjabi sign (with English above it) showing the way to ChinaTown. WTF?

If the Sikh community were a "gated" community, in a Culturally designated location (such as ChinaTown), or whatever, I could understand the signs. But not out in the middle of a mixed racial/cultural community. In that particular part of Edmonton, called "Mill Woods", a small city in size, there is probably more than 15 or 20 different cultures living together.  Ukrainians, Vietnamese, Chinese, Phillipino, Indian, Japanese, Korean, German, Russian, Estonian, Czech, etc, etc. Can you imagine if they all wanted street signs in their native languages? What a friggin' mess! And all they have to do is to gather $270 for each sign they want to put up!

A majority. Hmmmm, is that not what Canada stands for? Rule by Majority and not Minority? Methinks that something is wrong with this picture.

For some reason, I have issues with that.

That just the way I see it.