Diary of Doom

So, here I am, in my 13th year of my Leg Pain/Issues. Veterans Affairs are once again looking at a "possible pension", my leg pain is as bad as ever, if not more, and my large breakthroughs (BT's) are as large as ever. I find that I am becoming reliant on the Ativan to help me maintain control over my breathing, but what if that fails, what if I am unable to take that one little pill before I am totally incompacitated?

Then?  I suspect that I may have a history of "passing out" in the midst of the extreme pain than I realize. I know I have done it at least once because I have had witnesses tell me so, even though I have no memory of passing out. Just extreme pain.

So, that begs the question - how many OTHER times have I passed out in the middle of a BT where I had not taken an Ativan - or even worse, even while using Ativan??? What happens to my brain when I "pass out". Apparently, I didn't stop breathing the one witnessed time, but is that normal, or does my whole body shut down until it "re-starts"?

So, now I am on another new(er) drug only recently available in Canada, and not a lot of people are using it. It is a synthetic version of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. But this drug is in PILL form. No smoking, hiding from police or other illegal activity. I have a script for this medication, and am taking it twice a day. Soon to be T.I.D. - I think today is supposed to be the day I start the third pill in the afternoon.

So, with all this, you'd think that my pain would be under more control. Far from the truth.

It seems that in the brain, the Pain Centre and the Depression Centre are co-located with (apparently) a lot of overlapping neurons and connections. The theory in the psychiatritic world is that pain feeds depression and vice versa because of this. So a person in pain can more readily develop depression than a person not in pain. Also, apparently a depressed person perceives pain much more than a non-depressed person. (Or something like that).

ANYWAYS, because I have been clinically diagnosed with severe depression, the cool doctors at the U of A Pain Clinic thought that this synthetic THC may be a good fit for me. It will either help control the pain, control the depression or just make me high (Just kidding...), just by working it's wonderful magic on that portion of the brain that THC typically works on - the Pain/Depression area.

Of course, side effects are there, typical of Ganja users: difficulty focussing, munchies, and so on. BUT there are side effects that are more sinister than typically meets the eye - increased depression (I didn't see that one coming) side effects on the surface of the skin (rashes, etc), irrational behaviour, panic, and other trauma. Apparently, there are some people out there who do not handle THC (in any form) very well. So it was one of the questions I had to answer before receiving the Rx - did I ever have a bad experience or side effect IF I had ever smoked marijuana in the past.

Well, hell, I remember in my youth (Yup, I was young and foolish at one time) that I couldn't get enough weed - I so enjoyed the mild and exuberant high I got from the Okanagan Gold Weed to which we had plentiful access. Nope, can't remember a single bad thing - only good stuff happening.

So, I've been on this pill for over two weeks no

w, and the only difference I note is that every now and then I get woozy, but have not noticed too much a change in my attitude, pain levels and depression. Just some bleary-eyed mornings; I have a very hard time getting up in the mornings - I really have to fight to get my ass out of bed now. It's not like I'm tired, but just too "blown away" to make the effort of getting up. Invariably, I get up simply because if I don't, my bladder will burst. My GAFF seems to also have taken a hit. I'd say my average GAFF is around 5 - a lot of initiative is lost. Not that I don't want to get stuff done, but again, I have to really force myself to get off my butt and start anything.

Yesterday and the day before, I stood in my garage and stared at a page with a somewhat simple drawing of a box-frame to eventually hold a door (or two) used to cover up the Power Panel in the basement. I stared at the drawing (with it's dimensions jotted in) for probably a total of 6 hours or more. I would cut a 2x4 to a length, then go back and look at the drawing, and simply zone out because I could not understand the drawing. I could not "intuit" the final shape and how the vertical and horizontal frames would meed. 45 degree or butt-joint. I could not see how the second 2x4's that then stand on edge on top of the frame 2x4's were supposed to be arranged - this is to allow the door to fit over top of the power panel as it does sit a bit exposed from the wall and a flat 2x4 is not far enough out to allow a door to close, so a second 2x4 added to the box-frame 2x4, standing on the narrow side, will allow any door/picture/mirror to be in front of the panel.

Not a difficult drawing, but even today, what I actually built yesterday afternoon looks nothing like the paper design. I ended up installing and taking off the 2x4's 3 or 4 times, adjusting the second edge-on 2x4 several times (creating a lot of holes in both pieces of 2x4's) until I finally was able to secure the whole thing to the wall around the power panel.

Now, I had enough room to actually install the ADSL Router and ADSL Digital TV Modem completely within the box, cables neatly tied up or coiled and secured, nothing hanging out of the power panel any more, looking a helluva lot neater.

I have absolutely NO IDEA how I ended up with that installation. But it actually looks pretty damned good. And some new kitchen doors that we had stored under the stairs actually will fit pretty good (withing a 1/4 inch), but I will have to use Piano Hinges so they open properly - and lot

s of 1/4" screws I guess)

So, to sum up, BT's - 2 or 3 times a day at least, usually just 6's or perhaps the odd 7's. 1 or 2 times a week a BT ~9 or so craps on my day. Depression average ~5-6. Bad Jags of ~8 can ruin my day, and ~9's result in me staying in bed out of fear of what I might do if I stay awake and mobile feeling like that.