Diary of Doom

My leg kept me in Bed most of yesterday (Saturday) with BP up to ~4 and ~5's, rising slowly to ~7's  then back down again. No relief all day and consequently, I got nothing done.around the house. Fortunately, I was able to get some kitchen dishes done before my GAFF really dropped off.

I still get the feeling that my wife does not really understand what it is like to be under this kind of constant pain - she thinks that talking to me and getting me to "interact" will help ease the pain. Well, it doesn't. All it does is distract me from my constantly trying to relax and think soothing thoughts. I am almost constantly doing this - it is almost an unconscious act now. My Breathing exercises are the same, just a reflex now.

Today, Sunday, still no let-up on the BP pain. Sleeping was kinda OK during the night - BP ~3 to ~4, but I still woke up every hour or so, ended up getting up at 0730 as I was tired of laying in bed.

Had brekkie, really trying to force myself to help a bit around the house. Put cushions out on patio, opened up Garden Tent and lay in there for a while reading. Had to repair cat gate as Weasley got out 3 times. He's not happy now. Friggin' leg still hurting like hell - Burning pain working deep into my thigh muscle, feels like someone kicked the shit out of my thigh wearing soccer cleats. Just FYI, this pain also extends to my right buttocks and at times, to my groin area. Thankfully not too often, and thankfully, not today.

Late Lunch, sitting outside and just about finished main course when a Depression Jag hits, aobut ~8 or ~9. Started crying. Ms T starts telling me what to do after I told her I was having a Depression Episode. I simply cannot eat any more. The last thing I want or need is someone telling me what to do when all I want to do is pick up the table knife and slice my artery in my throat wide open! I tried to calmly let her know that I do not need that kind of talk right now, and would appreciate just "normal" conversation while I try to work thru this "double-ended" problem (leg-pain/Depression Jag). Then she starts getting on my case about my posture, how I tend to hang over the table, sometimes holding my head in my hand.

I don't do this on purpose - that is just the way my body reacts when I am in pain or really depressed - which in both cases, is a lot of the time. So I said to her "I don't see how my wanting to commit suicide has anything to do with my posture at this time!".

She gets royally pissed off at me - when I feel that I have not done anything wrong. She accuses me of lashing out at her. Duh! Really? Then don't poke a stick into the bee-hive! Jeezuz!

Here I am thinking about which artery in my throat will be easier to slash, perhaps using the skil-saw or Jig-saw, or even using the Dremel Tool with the cutting blade on it, revved up to 50,000 rpm. All within 5 meters of me. I think back to how I almost did a head-on with a Semi near Whitecourt way back in March, but veered off 100 meters short. Friggin' Chicken. All is so simple and so do-able. What the hell am I waiting for?

I end up getting up from the patio table, leaving my drink and salad sitting there to come into my office so that I could work on my breathing, be alone and try to work thru this jag without outside interference. I do not need further imputus to follow through on my suicidal thoughts!

But she wants to carry on about my posture at this time. Lot of fucking good this $170/hour Couples Therapy is doing us, eh?

For those who do not understand Depression Jags, it is like someone is injecting a drug into your vein and you can feel the cold gradually spreading through your body as the drug spreads out through your veins and capilleries. The Depression comes on the same way, washing over me in a slow wave that over-shadows every other thought, action and intent I may have at that time. The last thing I need is someone telling me to do something or react in a certain way.

I fucking KNOW what to do already. It's called my Breathing exercises, emptying my mind and trying to focus on my breathing, relaxation and so on while this episode strikes me. The EXACT same think I do during my Pain Attacks (BT's) - it is the ONLY way for me to "weather" these episodes.

I"ve had enough for today - I'm going out to the Garden Tent, to lie down with an e-book and try to let the world slip by me for another god-awful day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Fingers crossed.