Diary of Doom

  OK, I should never have gotten out of bed in the morning, but I was feeling a wee bit better than normal - BP~3, GAFF~7, Dep~4, no real burning and I wanted to get stuff done, I even got off to coffee at Sobey’s, and spend $5 to get the car washed at the Wand-Wash - it was almost white with road salt!

So, I get home in the early afternoon, and shortly after, have a doozie BT, about an ~8, lasting for about 20 minutes. So I am doing my deep breathing, slow, steady, go to happy-place thingie and I get a sudden pain jolt up to ~10 quite easily. My teeth, already tight together, seemed to spasm and suddenly, my 1-3 (that is the upper right incisor) suddenly “moves” a wee bit and I hear a very distinct “crack” sound.

I think I have broken off the tooth at the root level. It hurt like hell, but in the middle of an attack, there is not much I can do but to try not to bit down any more - which was a sterling-bitch, I tell-ya!

As the pain settled down, the true pain of the tooth started to emanate from my upper jaw and up alongside my right nostril. I could gingerly grasp the tooth by pinching it between my index and thumb, and gently rock it back and forth a little bit, and if quiet, I could hear “squishing” sounds up in the jaw - which leads me to believe I broke off one or more of the roots - I’m not sure how many roots an incisor has - I think it only has one?

Anyways, it is still well embedded in the gum tissue, so I am not going to simply yank it out - I want my mouth to look normal when I smile, but I do need to get in to get an x-ray to see if I did indeed “break” it, or if I could have “dislocated” or otherwise “moved” it in a non-disastrous manner.

After that attack, I had two more that afternoon, but only ~6 or ~7’s, however, my Dep was ~8-~9, and BP remained higher than normal at ~4 to ~5 for the rest of the evening. Even with sleeping pills and Ativan for anxiety, I did not sleep very well - up at least 5 times during the night, ended up reading most of the night. Saturday Morning, up at 0900hrs, dead tired, cranky.

So, today, BP~3-4, GAFF~5, Dep~~6-7. Just want to go back downstairs and lie in bed and try to either sleep or read.

I feel like a piece of worthless shit today. Ms T. is not happy with me because I can’t seem to do any house maintenance or cleaning, and honestly, I secretly hope that the broom or dish-washer will attack me and put me out of my misery. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired, and having to listen to her complain about my not helping out.

She has no idea how hard it is for me to even decide whether or not to get up out of a chair to grab a cup of coffee or force myself to the washroom to brush my teeth - I can do that much about 80% of the time, but it takes a large amount of decision-making for that to happen. It’s not procrastination, it’s just hard to get the will-power to “bother” to make the effort because of the pain it will induce while trying to initiate the effort/action.

Do you like sticking and holding your hand in an open flame? Even if you must so you can brush your teeth? Go for a pee? Trust me, you think long and hard before sticking your hand back into the fire, especially if your hand is already burning and aching and in pain.

That is my whole life. Hold still. Breath. Try not to move. Mentally prepare myself to stick my hand in the fire because I can feel my bladder filling up.

Awwww, Frack - here we go again! Deep Breath…