Diary of Doom

So, here I am, in my 13th year of my Leg Pain/Issues. Veterans Affairs are once again looking at a "possible pension", my leg pain is as bad as ever, if not more, and my large breakthroughs (BT's) are as large as ever. I find that I am becoming reliant on the Ativan to help me maintain control over my breathing, but what if that fails, what if I am unable to take that one little pill before I am totally incompacitated?

Then?  I suspect that I may have a history of "passing out" in the midst of the extreme pain than I realize. I know I have done it at least once because I have had witnesses tell me so, even though I have no memory of passing out. Just extreme pain.

So, that begs the question - how many OTHER times have I passed out in the middle of a BT where I had not taken an Ativan - or even worse, even while using Ativan??? What happens to my brain when I "pass out". Apparently, I didn't stop breathing the one witnessed time, but is that normal, or does my whole body shut down until it "re-starts"?

So, now I am on another new(er) drug only recently available in Canada, and not a lot of people are using it. It is a synthetic version of THC, the active ingredient in marijuana. But this drug is in PILL form. No smoking, hiding from police or other illegal activity. I have a script for this medication, and am taking it twice a day. Soon to be T.I.D. - I think today is supposed to be the day I start the third pill in the afternoon.

So, with all this, you'd think that my pain would be under more control. Far from the truth.

It seems that in the brain, the Pain Centre and the Depression Centre are co-located with (apparently) a lot of overlapping neurons and connections. The theory in the psychiatritic world is that pain feeds depression and vice versa because of this. So a person in pain can more readily develop depression than a person not in pain. Also, apparently a depressed person perceives pain much more than a non-depressed person. (Or something like that).

ANYWAYS, because I have been clinically diagnosed with severe depression, the cool doctors at the U of A Pain Clinic thought that this synthetic THC may be a good fit for me. It will either help control the pain, control the depression or just make me high (Just kidding...), just by working it's wonderful magic on that portion of the brain that THC typically works on - the Pain/Depression area.

Of course, side effects are there, typical of Ganja users: difficulty focussing, munchies, and so on. BUT there are side effects that are more sinister than typically meets the eye - increased depression (I didn't see that one coming) side effects on the surface of the skin (rashes, etc), irrational behaviour, panic, and other trauma. Apparently, there are some people out there who do not handle THC (in any form) very well. So it was one of the questions I had to answer before receiving the Rx - did I ever have a bad experience or side effect IF I had ever smoked marijuana in the past.

Well, hell, I remember in my youth (Yup, I was young and foolish at one time) that I couldn't get enough weed - I so enjoyed the mild and exuberant high I got from the Okanagan Gold Weed to which we had plentiful access. Nope, can't remember a single bad thing - only good stuff happening.

So, I've been on this pill for over two weeks no

w, and the only difference I note is that every now and then I get woozy, but have not noticed too much a change in my attitude, pain levels and depression. Just some bleary-eyed mornings; I have a very hard time getting up in the mornings - I really have to fight to get my ass out of bed now. It's not like I'm tired, but just too "blown away" to make the effort of getting up. Invariably, I get up simply because if I don't, my bladder will burst. My GAFF seems to also have taken a hit. I'd say my average GAFF is around 5 - a lot of initiative is lost. Not that I don't want to get stuff done, but again, I have to really force myself to get off my butt and start anything.

Yesterday and the day before, I stood in my garage and stared at a page with a somewhat simple drawing of a box-frame to eventually hold a door (or two) used to cover up the Power Panel in the basement. I stared at the drawing (with it's dimensions jotted in) for probably a total of 6 hours or more. I would cut a 2x4 to a length, then go back and look at the drawing, and simply zone out because I could not understand the drawing. I could not "intuit" the final shape and how the vertical and horizontal frames would meed. 45 degree or butt-joint. I could not see how the second 2x4's that then stand on edge on top of the frame 2x4's were supposed to be arranged - this is to allow the door to fit over top of the power panel as it does sit a bit exposed from the wall and a flat 2x4 is not far enough out to allow a door to close, so a second 2x4 added to the box-frame 2x4, standing on the narrow side, will allow any door/picture/mirror to be in front of the panel.

Not a difficult drawing, but even today, what I actually built yesterday afternoon looks nothing like the paper design. I ended up installing and taking off the 2x4's 3 or 4 times, adjusting the second edge-on 2x4 several times (creating a lot of holes in both pieces of 2x4's) until I finally was able to secure the whole thing to the wall around the power panel.

Now, I had enough room to actually install the ADSL Router and ADSL Digital TV Modem completely within the box, cables neatly tied up or coiled and secured, nothing hanging out of the power panel any more, looking a helluva lot neater.

I have absolutely NO IDEA how I ended up with that installation. But it actually looks pretty damned good. And some new kitchen doors that we had stored under the stairs actually will fit pretty good (withing a 1/4 inch), but I will have to use Piano Hinges so they open properly - and lot

s of 1/4" screws I guess)

So, to sum up, BT's - 2 or 3 times a day at least, usually just 6's or perhaps the odd 7's. 1 or 2 times a week a BT ~9 or so craps on my day. Depression average ~5-6. Bad Jags of ~8 can ruin my day, and ~9's result in me staying in bed out of fear of what I might do if I stay awake and mobile feeling like that.

My leg kept me in Bed most of yesterday (Saturday) with BP up to ~4 and ~5's, rising slowly to ~7's  then back down again. No relief all day and consequently, I got nothing done.around the house. Fortunately, I was able to get some kitchen dishes done before my GAFF really dropped off.

I still get the feeling that my wife does not really understand what it is like to be under this kind of constant pain - she thinks that talking to me and getting me to "interact" will help ease the pain. Well, it doesn't. All it does is distract me from my constantly trying to relax and think soothing thoughts. I am almost constantly doing this - it is almost an unconscious act now. My Breathing exercises are the same, just a reflex now.

Today, Sunday, still no let-up on the BP pain. Sleeping was kinda OK during the night - BP ~3 to ~4, but I still woke up every hour or so, ended up getting up at 0730 as I was tired of laying in bed.

Had brekkie, really trying to force myself to help a bit around the house. Put cushions out on patio, opened up Garden Tent and lay in there for a while reading. Had to repair cat gate as Weasley got out 3 times. He's not happy now. Friggin' leg still hurting like hell - Burning pain working deep into my thigh muscle, feels like someone kicked the shit out of my thigh wearing soccer cleats. Just FYI, this pain also extends to my right buttocks and at times, to my groin area. Thankfully not too often, and thankfully, not today.

Late Lunch, sitting outside and just about finished main course when a Depression Jag hits, aobut ~8 or ~9. Started crying. Ms T starts telling me what to do after I told her I was having a Depression Episode. I simply cannot eat any more. The last thing I want or need is someone telling me what to do when all I want to do is pick up the table knife and slice my artery in my throat wide open! I tried to calmly let her know that I do not need that kind of talk right now, and would appreciate just "normal" conversation while I try to work thru this "double-ended" problem (leg-pain/Depression Jag). Then she starts getting on my case about my posture, how I tend to hang over the table, sometimes holding my head in my hand.

I don't do this on purpose - that is just the way my body reacts when I am in pain or really depressed - which in both cases, is a lot of the time. So I said to her "I don't see how my wanting to commit suicide has anything to do with my posture at this time!".

She gets royally pissed off at me - when I feel that I have not done anything wrong. She accuses me of lashing out at her. Duh! Really? Then don't poke a stick into the bee-hive! Jeezuz!

Here I am thinking about which artery in my throat will be easier to slash, perhaps using the skil-saw or Jig-saw, or even using the Dremel Tool with the cutting blade on it, revved up to 50,000 rpm. All within 5 meters of me. I think back to how I almost did a head-on with a Semi near Whitecourt way back in March, but veered off 100 meters short. Friggin' Chicken. All is so simple and so do-able. What the hell am I waiting for?

I end up getting up from the patio table, leaving my drink and salad sitting there to come into my office so that I could work on my breathing, be alone and try to work thru this jag without outside interference. I do not need further imputus to follow through on my suicidal thoughts!

But she wants to carry on about my posture at this time. Lot of fucking good this $170/hour Couples Therapy is doing us, eh?

For those who do not understand Depression Jags, it is like someone is injecting a drug into your vein and you can feel the cold gradually spreading through your body as the drug spreads out through your veins and capilleries. The Depression comes on the same way, washing over me in a slow wave that over-shadows every other thought, action and intent I may have at that time. The last thing I need is someone telling me to do something or react in a certain way.

I fucking KNOW what to do already. It's called my Breathing exercises, emptying my mind and trying to focus on my breathing, relaxation and so on while this episode strikes me. The EXACT same think I do during my Pain Attacks (BT's) - it is the ONLY way for me to "weather" these episodes.

I"ve had enough for today - I'm going out to the Garden Tent, to lie down with an e-book and try to let the world slip by me for another god-awful day. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Fingers crossed.

yesterday was a good day
As you well know,
And that is simply because
We tried to go slow.

Some things are better left unsaid
Hurtful, raw and with pain,
Adding to our daily burdon
And increasing our drain.

Almost Twenty Five years
That we've been together,
And only recently are we re-learning
That we really meant "Forever".

We now know our differences
Our shared joy and dispair,
Through trials and tribulations
Our hearts always under repair.

Some things we can work on
And some things we can't,
Some things we an rebuild
And some things we shant.

One thing that I have noticed
Throughout all these years,
That pain is always constant
When displayed with tears.

I do not fully understand
If there is a God above,
But I do know we have endured
Simply because of our Love.

Luv ya Pumuchel!

G'day, eh? Tuesday - second day of the week - as if I would notice, being Retired and all.  Let's see, it's been about 10 days since the last post. What has happened.

Well, I've had good days, (like yesterday and to some extent, today, although right now, my leg if friggin burning like hell!), and I've had bad days, where I actually did get out of bed, did the minimum of feed the cats, then go back to bed.

The diet, if my personal, non-professional opinion, is not helping me. I'll get to that later.

Right now - BP~4, Burning ~6, one small BT this morning ~6-7 for about 10 minutes - I was at Sobey's sitting down, surfing for a hotel room in Calgary for the weekend. More on that later too.

Depression - Moderate ~5. GAFF also Moderate, ~5, although I am trying to stay motivated, pain is a strong de-motivator in the personal activity sense.

Last Sunday was a So-So day, Saturday sucked, BP averaged ~5 all day, and I had (I think) 4 BT's one strong enough to may be throw-Up my lunch shortly after I had just finished eating it.

Oh, hell, I can't remember - That may have been last Friday.  Yesterday, my wife, Ms. T. was trying to make me remember a trip to Calgary where we visited some friends - and she was describing their house, their beautiful basement, their cat. My brain was drawing a complete blank. I have absolutely no recollection of even going to their home. I remember some other homes of friends we visited, but not that one. Selective memory or what?

So, anyways, my leg pain has actually gone up a notch, some stabbing happening in addition to the burning. Mr. Weasley is insisting on sitting on my (much reduced) tummy as I type, and he is not impressed that my wrists are moving. Thankfully, I have an ergo keyboard, which helps reduce movement of the hand, eh?

BP~5 - intense enough to almost bring tears to my eyes - I have my leg stretched out to try to work thru this - could be a precursor to a full blown BT, but I'll hold on and see.

Ms. T wants to go to Calgary to attend a Conference on our Diet - called the "Ideal Protein" diet. The diet is also called the "Unbalanced" diet; Its purpose is to stimulate the pancreas and insulin production, causing the body to burn more body fat, and not any muscle mass, reducing the overall body-fat ratio, reducing caloric intake, causing the skin to become smoother, and weight loss in the 4-8lb/week category.

This diet, in essence, puts the body into a kind of Ketoacidosis, a condition  common in Type 1 Diabetics, caused by high concentrations of ketone bodies, formed by the breakdown of fatty acids and the deamination of amino acids.

With me so far? OK, the diet is also known as a "Low Carbohydrate" diet, where foods with Carbs are severely reduced, and Protein is substituted, as well as copious amounts of water is consumed to help "flush out" the ketone's generated by the action of the diet. So, what is a Low-Carb Diet?

Low-carbohydrate diets restrict caloric intake by reducing the consumption of carbohydrates to 20 to 60 g per day (typically less than 20 percent of the daily caloric intake). The consumption of protein and fat is increased to compensate for part of the calories that formerly came from carbohydrates.

So, this diet supplements our food intake with "Protein", via "Shakes", "Puddings", "Snacks"  and so on. Of course, we have to purchase these "products" from them to better control our diet and maintain our proper "caloric" intake of Carbs and so on.

I've noticed lately, that my nerve pain increases as I lose weight, but I have to tell the truth - I cheat on this diet. OK, So I occasionally buy a small pack of "Soy-nuts" - I need to "crunch" on something, especially when I'm in a lot of pain - crunchy foods, like nuts or popcorn, used to be my "solace food", the "ice cream" of my pain. But on this diet, no more.

So, no more popcorn, no more chips (hmmm, chips...) but I have been good - no chips!  About a month ago, I did eat 2 packages of Reeces PeanutButter cups in a frenzy, then felt guilty as hell about that for a week!

The Soy Nuts - I thought were safe, as I thought most of our Protein Supplements were also made out of Soy as well, so it wouldn't hurt taking care of my "crunch" craving and not blowing this diet.

But, I found that when I cheated on this diet, my nerve pain was less...everyone said that it was my mediations that was causing me to stop losing weight, and I thought that I was putting on weight because of my cheating. Perhaps. On this diet, even one cheat "apparently" takes 3 days for the body to get back into the "weight-losing" phase. So, if I cheat with a chocolate bar (just for "an example"), on Monday, My body stops losing weight until Thursday (perhaps), so I have wasted 3 days of dieting for nothing, spending money for food supplements for 3 days, for nothing.

But the problem is - I'm in less pain when I cheat! My background pain goes down to about ~3 or even ~2 on some days. Oh, sure, I still get attacks (BT's), I don't think that will ever stop, but daily living with background pain in the 5 out of 10 range - that's like living half-way to insanity all the time. Like I am now!

I don't know how to explain this to my wife. She insists that I stay on this diet as I am starting to look good (I've lost a ton of inches around my legs, waist, belly, chest, arms and neck), but have been in more pain in the past 2 months than I have been in several years! I am beginning to suspect that this diet, and not my weight loss, is the cause of my pain.

My diability is one of a "Nerve Pain" problem. "We" think it is nerve impingement, similar to, if in fact, not actually a disorder called "Meralgia Peresthetica". My leg is normally numb. For some strange reason, just before I retired, my right foot started getting pins & needles too. Different nerve. Different condition? Or is it? I dunno.

Anyways, I've been reading where Diabetic Nerve pain can be caused by high levels of blood fat in overweight diabetics. And that is what this diet does - cause the body to burn more body fat cell, increasing the amount of fat cells in the blood to be eventually "cleansed" via this diet and acidosis

Now, I know I am heavy, perhaps even considered moderately "obese" (I'm a big-boned, Ukrainian Stock, at 5'11", 250 lbs right now). I used to be 310, but I've lost that weight through diet change, and the last 20lbs or so, on this diet. My goal is to get to 220 - that should be a good start for me to get off this diet and start a "maintenance phase", and hopefully, lose more weight through increased activity. So What? I'm NOT Diabetic. In FACT, every time I check myself, or get checked by my doctor or pharmacist, I a a rock solid 4.7 to 5.2 Max. So what has that to do with anything? Well, look at the "Symptioms of Diabetic Neuropathies" I got from Wikipedia:

What are the symptoms of diabetic neuropathies?

Symptoms depend on the type of neuropathy and which nerves are affected. Some people with nerve damage have no symptoms at all. For others, the first symptom is often numbness, tingling, or pain in the feet. Symptoms are often minor at first, and because most nerve damage occurs over several years, mild cases may go unnoticed for a long time. Symptoms can involve the sensory, motor, and autonomic—or involuntary—nervous systems. In some people, mainly those with focal neuropathy, the onset of pain may be sudden and severe.

Symptoms of nerve damage may include

• numbness, tingling, or pain in the toes, feet, legs, hands, arms, and fingers
• wasting of the muscles of the feet or hands
• indigestion, nausea, or vomiting
• diarrhea or constipation
• dizziness or faintness due to a drop in blood pressure after standing or sitting up
• problems with urination
• erectile dysfunction in men or vaginal dryness in women
• weakness

Symptoms that are not due to neuropathy, but often accompany it, include weight loss and depression.

There ya go! Now, what symptoms do I exhibit daily with my pain(s)? Numbness, tingling, pain in legs, extending to buttocks and on occasion, when a bad BT hits me, even to the groin area.

What else? Indigestion (I have GERD), I am frequently nausious, and I vomit during bad pain attacks if I happen to have food in my stomach.

Constipation almost constantly now on this diet. Frequently Dizzy, I take FloMax for my prostate because I have low "flow" issues. I'm not going to get into my sex life, but lets just say that I'm not 20 years old any more, unfortunately.

Weakness - every time I go out to shovel snow, or to go for a walk, I have a harder and harder time recouperating after getting home. I did a lot of walking today, from the car repair shop to Sobey's (about 6 blocks) - I didn't want to waste money on a Taxi for such a short distance. I could use the exercise. But One-Way would have been enough. I walked back to the repair shop early so I could sit down and recouperate a couple times on the way back, and then sit in the shop's office for 30-45 minutes before my car was ready just so I could "re-energize", and be able to drive home without having dizzy spells, or, god-forbid, a BT on the way.

OK, just got back from a BT...about ~7-8 for 10 minutes or so. I just laid down on the couch and did my breathing exercises...now I want to finish this off and post the frakkin' thing before my computer crashes and I lose everything or some other stupid thing. Freekin' leg still killing me.

Anyways, will try to update more tomorrow.

Edwin

  OK, I should never have gotten out of bed in the morning, but I was feeling a wee bit better than normal - BP~3, GAFF~7, Dep~4, no real burning and I wanted to get stuff done, I even got off to coffee at Sobey’s, and spend $5 to get the car washed at the Wand-Wash - it was almost white with road salt!

So, I get home in the early afternoon, and shortly after, have a doozie BT, about an ~8, lasting for about 20 minutes. So I am doing my deep breathing, slow, steady, go to happy-place thingie and I get a sudden pain jolt up to ~10 quite easily. My teeth, already tight together, seemed to spasm and suddenly, my 1-3 (that is the upper right incisor) suddenly “moves” a wee bit and I hear a very distinct “crack” sound.

I think I have broken off the tooth at the root level. It hurt like hell, but in the middle of an attack, there is not much I can do but to try not to bit down any more - which was a sterling-bitch, I tell-ya!

As the pain settled down, the true pain of the tooth started to emanate from my upper jaw and up alongside my right nostril. I could gingerly grasp the tooth by pinching it between my index and thumb, and gently rock it back and forth a little bit, and if quiet, I could hear “squishing” sounds up in the jaw - which leads me to believe I broke off one or more of the roots - I’m not sure how many roots an incisor has - I think it only has one?

Anyways, it is still well embedded in the gum tissue, so I am not going to simply yank it out - I want my mouth to look normal when I smile, but I do need to get in to get an x-ray to see if I did indeed “break” it, or if I could have “dislocated” or otherwise “moved” it in a non-disastrous manner.

After that attack, I had two more that afternoon, but only ~6 or ~7’s, however, my Dep was ~8-~9, and BP remained higher than normal at ~4 to ~5 for the rest of the evening. Even with sleeping pills and Ativan for anxiety, I did not sleep very well - up at least 5 times during the night, ended up reading most of the night. Saturday Morning, up at 0900hrs, dead tired, cranky.

So, today, BP~3-4, GAFF~5, Dep~~6-7. Just want to go back downstairs and lie in bed and try to either sleep or read.

I feel like a piece of worthless shit today. Ms T. is not happy with me because I can’t seem to do any house maintenance or cleaning, and honestly, I secretly hope that the broom or dish-washer will attack me and put me out of my misery. I am so sick and tired of being sick and tired, and having to listen to her complain about my not helping out.

She has no idea how hard it is for me to even decide whether or not to get up out of a chair to grab a cup of coffee or force myself to the washroom to brush my teeth - I can do that much about 80% of the time, but it takes a large amount of decision-making for that to happen. It’s not procrastination, it’s just hard to get the will-power to “bother” to make the effort because of the pain it will induce while trying to initiate the effort/action.

Do you like sticking and holding your hand in an open flame? Even if you must so you can brush your teeth? Go for a pee? Trust me, you think long and hard before sticking your hand back into the fire, especially if your hand is already burning and aching and in pain.

That is my whole life. Hold still. Breath. Try not to move. Mentally prepare myself to stick my hand in the fire because I can feel my bladder filling up.

Awwww, Frack - here we go again! Deep Breath…